When the tears won't stop falling

 4 years. We spent 4 years together and all in a snap those 4 years were gone. I don't even know where to begin and where to end. I find myself crying myself to sleep countless nights. Its like an endless cycle of mourning that somehow repeats itself over and over again.

Believe me when I say I'm trying, I have manifested nothing but happy thoughts, I have tried to keep myself busy and maybe that way I'll be able to forget and let go. I thought these mechanisms would work and somehow magically the pain would be gone but no, it's still there sometimes just pushed into the back of the mind and sometimes it's just there in plain view rearing it ugly head and wanting to shout from the rooftops all the pent up emotions that time and time again I have tried to push aside.

When I'm all alone and the dust has settled on each day, I pary, I hope, I wish that somehow, someway you'll come back to me. Am I idealistic? Am I being blinded by love? Am I weak? I cannot let you go. Maybe its that irrational part of me, mybe this is my wishful thinking but I cannot bear with the thought of losing you forever. 

Storms in My Eyes

The new year signals renewed hope and faith, sometimes even new beginnings, a time for reinvention, a time for putting it all out there, but this new year seems to be a little different for me, one chapter of my life seems to be closing and another just about to begin. I honestly have so much going on right now, that even I cannot track everything, I have found myself questioning my choices and decisions and maybe even regretting some that I made along the way.

I came by the quote that to know when enough is enough is the strongest form of discipline that one can muster, is it the same for relationships, what does it mean to settle? what does it mean to let go? I have pondered upon these questions endlessly over the weekend and I still cannot find the right answer, or maybe there isn't a right answer. 

Why do we stay in relationships? why do we try to find our soul mates or even our life partners? when the tears stop falling does that mean that we've had enough and that the love has all gone? Misunderstandings are supposed to be part of any and all relationships so where do we draw the line, or is it really just a matter of us choosing to understand even if it hurts, even if it tears us apart inside, when is enough is enough? When do we say that we have been taken for granted? Maybe it was foolish of me to give it my all and make him my world. We have been through so much together is that really something that I could let go?

The Beginning

 February 1, 2020 was the very first day that we exchanged text messages, about mundane things really, just about the stuff going on as we were both very busy with tasks assigned to us, little did I know that it would be the start of something special, that it would be the start of our love story.

Who would have thought that I would find my special someone in the middle of relief operations and a humanitarian mission, surprisingly that was where it all started. I've been introduced to you a long time before as I was giving a speakers' training to our friends and fellow activists, it was an unremarkable first meeting, I just knew you then as someone who also shared his thoughts as I was discussing how one should speak before a large crowd. Then, we met again on a quick response mission, I was tasked to debrief you and your companions and assess how everything went, still that meeting was nothing special. Then came that massive relief operation that had us holed up in our headquarters in Lipa with a bunch of our common friends and the rest as they say was History.

It was innocent teasing and banter at the beginning. It was just something that made our relief operations a little less stressful. I don't really know how and why but it turned into something special. I'm writing this now because I want to have something to read later on to remind me of how we started and how it all began for you and me.

We went our separate ways on February 1, you were bound for an Island and I had to head back to where I was from, we had big tasks ahead of us but somehow talking to you each day made my tasks a little less daunting.  I remember clearly that night when you tried to get my number and I point black refused to give in, I guess fate had its ways because the following morning, I had no choice but to call you regarding something that came up thus giving away my number and that was where it all began.

Everything moved so fast, we did not have that long courting stage, after just a week of texting and calling each other, we talked, well I do not know what came over me on February 10, 2020 but I gathered my courage talked to you and asked you point blank what are we doing? And that was the night that we unofficially became us. You told me that soon I would receive a letter and in that moment, I knew how sincere you were, I knew that that was the beginning of our love story.

 

To be continued...

Being 22

Another year just came and went and just like that, I am once again turning a year older and well I hope another year wiser.

The past year has been eventful. It has been filled with many highs and lows. It has been a year of self discovery and of me figuring out many things for myself.

What I am now is something that I did not see coming, its very far from what I envisioned myself to be once I turned 23 but that is okay. What I have become is something that I think is so much better.

Indeed, I'm at a point in my life where I have decisions to make and things to consider and I know that maybe along the way I would make mistakes and do things that I'd regret but maybe it will all be okay.

As I celebrate my birthday this year, away from home, away from my family and loved ones and amidst a pandemic that has kept everyone on lockdown I am forced to think about how I have lived my life. It has got me into thinking of how precious time is and how sometimes I have taken things for granted.

My recent birthdays were celebrated amidst the hustle of campus elections in UPLB. I have been so used to being able to celebrate it with the people that I consider my home away from home, the very same people that I still have now as friends amidst the lockdown. My birthday always coincided with some sort of activity that showcased the struggle of the students and of the masses. This year wouldn't be any different.

As I turn 23 and I examine the world and society around me I am more than ever resolved that the struggle continues. My only wish is that hopefully soon I can be out on the streets again, shouting and chanting our calls and fighting for what is right.

All the Bullshit Made Me Strong

All the bullshit made me strong
I ask myself what I did wrong?

All the bullshit made me strong
I have waited far too long

All the bullshit made me strong
I've faced every challenge headstrong

all the bullshit made me strong
why can't we all get along

all the bullshit made me strong
can't get a sense of what is right or wrong

all the bullshit made me strong
why do I feel like I don't belong

all the bullshit made me strong
maybe this is the end, no more fight song

Pambungad na talumpati sa pagbubukas ng unang pulong ng Southern Tagalog Youth Parliament

Ano ba talaga ang ibig sabihin ng totoong pagbabago? Nabubuhay tayo sa isang mundo na araw-araw nating napapanood sa mga balita ang mga nakahandusay na katawang wala nang hininga—nababalutan ng itim na garbage bag at plaster; ng kaliwa’t kanang  ligalig sa pulitika; kahirapan; digmaan at marami pang iba. Napakadaling sabihing kailangan natin ng pagbabago—ng totoong pagbabago. Ang totoong pagbabago ay ang pagkain sa mga tiyan ng mga mahihirap nating kapwa kabataan. Tayo ang magbubunsod ng totoong pagbabago—hindi isang indibidwal o bagani. Ang totoong pagbabago ay ang pag-alam sa ating mga sarili at ating kapaligiran at gawin itong mas maayos at mas mabuti. Ang totoong pagbabago ay hindi ang paghihintay kundi ang paglikha ng sarili nating tadhana.  

Pero sino ang gagawa nito? Lahat ay may kakayanan ngunit tayong mga kabataan ang may pinaka-interes na baguhin ang lipunan—dahil tayo ang magmamana nito. Ikaw, iyang katabi mo, yung grupo ng mga Iskolar diyan, iyong mga artista ng bayan at iyang mga magigiting nating mga boluntir na nagtaguyod nitong buong aktibidad. Tayo ang pagbabago. Kahit na sino ka pa. Kahit na nakatira ka sa isang apartment sa isang siyudad o sa isang malayong baryo na milya-milya ang binibilang bago makarating sa kapitbahay. Tayo ang pagbabago. Gusto mo man maging isang doctor, abogado, agriculturist, guro, magsasaka. Kung nakapasok ka man sa kolehiyo o hindi. Si Lester Barientos, halimbawa, pinili niyang hindi na tapusin ang kanyang pag-aaral dahil sa kahirapan ng kaniyang pamilya. Pinili niyang gamitin ang kanyang kakayanan sa pag-arte para turuan ang mga kabataang umarte kasama ng sambayanang higit niyang mahal. Anu man ang iyong edad, kasarian, bakgrawnd, plano sa hinaharap, tingnan natin ang ating paligid at gawin itong mas mabuti. Lahat ng tao ay may kakayanan para sa pagbabago pero tayo, mga kabataan at delegado ng Southern Taglog Youth Parliament, handang tanggapin ang hamon ng totoong pagbabago.

Saan natin ito gagawin? Ang pinakasimple at pinakamadaling sagot ay kahit saan. Subalit sobrang masaklaw ito at kailangan nating maging mas espesipiko. Ang totoong pagbabago ay magagawa natin sa mga lugar na dapat itama ang mga mali. Sa paglubog sa piling mga kapatid nating mahihirap. Kailangan ang pagbabago sa lugar kung saan ang milyong mga kababayan natin ang walang matatawag na sarili nilang tahanan. Kailangan ito sa ating mga komunidad, eskwelahan, pagawaan at hanggang sa mga kanayunan. Kailangan ng pagbabago kung saan may pighati at pagdurusa ang mga mamamayan. Sa ating mga komunidad kung nasaan ang mga kabataan—kung saan isa sa bawat tatlo ay hindi na nakakatuntong sa kolehiyo. Isa sa bawat tatlo. Sino sa kaibigan mo ang ganito ang sitwasyon? Sa mga kapitbahay mo? Ang totoong pagbabago ay pinakakailangan sa mga lugar kung saan kailangang itama ang mga mali.

Pero bakit? Bakit kailangan ng pagbabago? Dahil nananatiling nalulubog sa kahirapan ang pinakamaraming bilang ng mga kababayan natin. At tayo, mga kabataan, ay punung-puno ng lakas at determinasyon para iahon ang mga mamamayan sa kahirapan. At dahil tayo ang magmamana sa ganitong lipunan. Alam nating taglay ng mga kabataan ang alab na kahit sino pa ang mamagitan sa atin at sa pagpapayabong sa potensyal natin sa pagbago ng lipunan ay hindi natin ito uurungan at aatrasan,  Dahil tayong mga kabataan, kahit pa sa pinakamahirap na sitwasyon na inaayawan ng marami, tayo ay hindi nagdadalawang isip.Tayo ay determinadong sumulong. Laging babagabag sa atin ang tanong na bakit. Dahil tayo ay may abilidad. At katuwang ng abiladad ay resposibilidad. Utang natin iyon sa mga lipunang humubog sa atin. 

Bakit? Bakit isusulong natin ang totoong pagbabago? Dahil kaya natin, dahil ito ang tama, tayong mga kabataan ang kikilos para sa kinabukasan ng ating bayan. Dahil tayo ang pag-asa ng bayan.

Simulan natin yun sa pagbibigay ng buong kagalingan natin para sa bayan. Simulan natin sa pagtangan sa hamon ng pamumuno at isalin ang ating mga mithiin sa aksyon. Simulan natin ngayon… sa pakikilahok sa mga diskusyon, workshops, at pagkukunot ng noo para sa pagbubuo ng agenda ng mga kabataan ng Timog Katagalugan. May mithiin ang pagsama-sama natin ngayong araw hanggang bukas. Sana ay huwag itong masayang. Isa-isip ang mensahe ng parlyamento at bitbitin natin ito at ibahagi sa ating mga tahanan, paaralan, at mga komunidad. Ang pagbabago ay ang pagkakaisa natin sa mithiin at pagkilos para sa mithiing ito.

Ngayon higit kailanman, kailangan natin isulong ang totoong pulitika ng pagbabago!

#STYP2018
#TayoAngPagasa

It Gets Better (Hopefully)

As another semester and academic year draws to a close, I again find myself overwhelmed with emotion and anxiety and a feeling of restlessness brought about by feelings of being left behind and being way past my prime college years. It truly feels like an end of an era for so many different reasons, some of them good and some not so much.

I would not be graduating this year, which means I am way delayed in terms of my studies and original timeline, I should have graduated last year at just 20 years old but look at where I am now. My closest friends and org mates will soon be leaving campus and I am really pained and sad and worried. It is as if the times have come and gone and here I am left behind.

I have made choices in the past that I don't necessarily regret but right now those choices seem to not be really the best at this point in time. I am really proud of my friends who are finally graduating and who have presented or will be presenting their theses but I cannot help but feel sad over the fact that I will not.

Im at a lost for words really hopefully I come back to this post one of these days and actually finish it... ...