What if I Really Don't Care?

Today started out just like any other day, it was but just another event that we/I would have to pull off. I expected it to be draining but not too the point that it would be my saturation point. I have been crying uncontrollably this past week but today was unlike any other day, in the sense that it was not just sadness that overwhelmed me, but there was anger and disappointment and to an extent, there was disdain for the people around me, I hated them for making me feel bad about myself, for making me feel like a very insignificant thing in the bigger spectrum of things, it was as though all my efforts were to be defined by a text message or my ability or inability to reply at the rate that they expected me to.

Keep going just wasn't going to resolve me or to make me feel any better, I did my part of the bargain but people seemed to have forgotten that very small part I play in the greater scheme of things, The past 3 months has been exhausting and it is finally taking a toll on me, emotionally, physically and psychologically.

Having been able to release all that pent-up emotion and anger was a reprieve, it was as though my heart was going to burst into a million pieces. Nakakakiyak, nakakagalit, nakakapagod.

Sometimes how I wish that I can just throw everything away, for me to just forget everything and say I can no longer do this anymore.

Every waking moment is a decision I have to make, do I stay or do I leave, do I keep going or do I end it all in one go, every time it is an ongoing contradiction and each day I wish that the decision be easier to make. And at this moment as I write this I know in my heart of hearts that I will go on and continue what I have already started.

Comments

I Regret Going No Contact After My Breakup — Here's Why

They say going no contact after a breakup is the healthiest way to move on — to protect your peace, heal your heart, and start fresh. I believed that too. But after ten months of silence, I realized my version of “healing” was actually hiding. This is what happened when I finally reached out to the one person I wasn’t supposed to miss. For almost ten months, I’ve been convincing myself that going no contact after our breakup was the best way to heal. No texting, no checking in — just silence, with the occasional birthday greeting or “Happy Holidays” message. I thought this was what healing looked like. I thought distance would help me move on. But I was wrong. These past ten months have felt more like slow, quiet torture. Every time I stopped myself from reaching out, I knew deep down that I wasn’t protecting myself — I was just suppressing how much I still missed my ex and wanted to be part of his life. We didn’t end on bad terms. The breakup hurt — God, it really fucking hurt —...

The Movie that was High School

*I actually intended this to be published in our school publication but due to several factors it was not included in the final draft* Maybe you've heard it a thousand times, it’s cliché I know, but as a graduating senior, it truly can be said that High school is and was the time of my life. We’ve seen the movies and we’ve read the books, high school is the time of our life wherein we come of age, we experiment, we explore and we experience. I can clearly recall the first time that I walked through the corridors of the high school department, sure it was scary, it was daunting and I was full of apprehension. Will I fit in? Will I make new friends? And most of all Will I survive High school? I was such a nervous freshman back then; looking back it was an experience that left its mark. FOUR YEARS – now many would consider this to be a long time, but believe me once you’re there, once you realize that you are about to leave and that you’re about to finish high s...

When Trust Feels Conditional

There are moments in life when someone begins to feel like every move they make is under surveillance — not out of care, but out of doubt. She feels it deeply now. Supposedly, everyone around her stands as equals. Supposedly, they are her friends. But in reality, she senses something different — something heavy. To her, it feels like people are just waiting for her to make a mistake. Every action she takes is questioned, every decision second-guessed. She notices how others are given space to move freely, to make choices without judgment. But when it comes to her, it’s as if the rules suddenly change. The trust that others receive without question is something she has to earn — over and over again — and even then, it’s never really granted. What’s worse is how these people claim it’s all out of care and concern. But to her, it feels hollow — like a twisted version of compassion. It's as if they’ve become emotionless, robotic in the way they interact — driven more by quiet resentm...

Charm In Ink

Search This Blog