What if I Really Don't Care?

Today started out just like any other day, it was but just another event that we/I would have to pull off. I expected it to be draining but not too the point that it would be my saturation point. I have been crying uncontrollably this past week but today was unlike any other day, in the sense that it was not just sadness that overwhelmed me, but there was anger and disappointment and to an extent, there was disdain for the people around me, I hated them for making me feel bad about myself, for making me feel like a very insignificant thing in the bigger spectrum of things, it was as though all my efforts were to be defined by a text message or my ability or inability to reply at the rate that they expected me to.

Keep going just wasn't going to resolve me or to make me feel any better, I did my part of the bargain but people seemed to have forgotten that very small part I play in the greater scheme of things, The past 3 months has been exhausting and it is finally taking a toll on me, emotionally, physically and psychologically.

Having been able to release all that pent-up emotion and anger was a reprieve, it was as though my heart was going to burst into a million pieces. Nakakakiyak, nakakagalit, nakakapagod.

Sometimes how I wish that I can just throw everything away, for me to just forget everything and say I can no longer do this anymore.

Every waking moment is a decision I have to make, do I stay or do I leave, do I keep going or do I end it all in one go, every time it is an ongoing contradiction and each day I wish that the decision be easier to make. And at this moment as I write this I know in my heart of hearts that I will go on and continue what I have already started.